For Chinese immigrants, social interactions might seem simpler than they are back home. However, Chinese culture has always valued the principle of reciprocity and the nuances of human relationships. Wherever there are Chinese people, there are social complexities, and naturally, there is no escaping these 'human sentiment debts.' Whether they are new or long-term immigrants or international students, Chinese people living in the U.S. face these unavoidable social obligations, sometimes leading them to sigh that 'human sentiment is fiercer than a tiger.'
Human Sentiment Debt 1: Free Purchasing Agent for Friends and Family Back Home
A common complaint is the burden of acting as a free purchasing agent for friends and family in China, buying items such as milk powder, fish oil, snow boots, vitamins, propolis, and other health supplements. Helping relatives and friends buy milk powder is particularly grueling, yet it is difficult and often impossible to refuse.
One has to grit their teeth and carry on.
People make very earnest requests, starting by saying how sorry they are to trouble you, which makes it hard to say no, so you end up fulfilling every request. Moreover, in such situations, it feels awkward to ask for payment. Some people only want one or two bottles of fish oil, where the shipping cost exceeds the price of the product itself.
Often, these purchases are made with one's own money, and the items are shipped back to China before the friend receives them, checks them, and then transfers the money. Sometimes, one's own living expenses are tied up in these purchases, leading to a tight budget, yet it feels embarrassing to chase them for payment. Some have mentioned that currency conversion is also a hassle, especially with fluctuating exchange rates. Out of friendship, people often round down or deduct the small change from the total price. Yet, some friends are ungrateful, occasionally remarking, 'Someone else seems to have bought it cheaper than you did,' or 'Why is it more expensive here at the source than online?' or 'It didn't cost this much last time.'
Human Sentiment Debt 2: The Headache of Gifts When Returning Home
For many, returning to China is a source of both joy and anxiety. Most people start worrying about what to bring for relatives, friends, and former colleagues as soon as they buy their plane tickets. As the saying goes, 'Do not worry about scarcity, but about inequality.' Either you give nothing to anyone, or if you do, you must account for everyone. Returning empty-handed is hard to justify, so gift-giving becomes a major headache, requiring consideration of one's budget, fairness, and portability.
First is the question of who to give to. Every time a family returns, dozens of gifts are sent out for fear of leaving someone out and causing offense. Giving gifts to relatives every year is a significant expense. If they are very close friends, this is not an issue; they don't care about the gifts, and just getting together is enough. It is the relatives who are difficult; if the gifts are not good enough, they might talk behind your back, and my parents simply cannot handle that.
My parents always say they don't need anything, but the gifts for relatives are mandatory. They feel that if their child returns home without gifts for the relatives, it implies they are doing poorly or are socially inept.
Second is what to give. Some report that low-end gifts are embarrassing to give for fear of being looked down upon, while high-end gifts are unaffordable. In reality, the life of an immigrant is not as glamorous as some friends and family in China imagine, especially for new immigrants who are not exactly well-off. After carefully selecting gifts to bring back, it is embarrassing if the recipients are indifferent, and some even feel anxious after giving a gift. After traveling long distances with large suitcases of gifts, each person receives only a small portion. A Chinese person once gave chocolate to a friend in China, only to have the friend complain about it online, which eventually reached the giver's ears, ending the friendship.
Third, being asked to carry items back to China is another source of stress. Before every trip, some relatives learn of the plans and ask their parents to have the traveler bring things back, such as snow boots, milk powder, fish oil, wool blankets, or honey. Some items are not only heavy but also bulky. As a result, one's own parents end up bringing nothing, having used all the space for relatives and friends. On the return trip, others ask them to bring things for their children studying abroad, filling another large suitcase. Consequently, whether going or returning, the suitcase contains almost nothing of the traveler's own.
Human Sentiment Debt 3: The Transit Station for Visitors
A major headache is when friends and family from China come to visit. While reuniting with loved ones in a foreign land is undeniably joyful, acting as a transit station for visitors comes with its own frustrations.
The most troublesome issue is when friends come to travel and ask to borrow your car. It is hard to refuse, and if something goes wrong, it is difficult to resolve, so one often suggests they rent a car. However, if the friend claims they don't understand the rental process or market, as the host, you are forced to help, and out of guilt, you end up paying for the rental yourself.
Human Sentiment Debt 4: The Free Consultant
Another source of stress is when friends ask for advice on markets, renting, etc. Once, a friend in China planned to start a wine business and asked for help understanding the local situation. I spent a lot of time making calls, running errands, and searching English websites for detailed information, which I then translated into Chinese. After spending over two weeks compiling this, I sent it to my friend. The friend simply replied, 'It's too complicated, I won't do it,' and that was the end of it, with no mention of the travel or phone expenses incurred. Such incidents happen frequently, and constantly sacrificing time and money in this way is unbearable.
Human Sentiment Debt 5: The Translation Machine
Helping friends and family with translations—ranging from health supplement labels and school application materials to professional medical, accounting, and legal documents—is a common burden.
Within one's capabilities, one is willing to help with simple tasks, often squeezing time out of one's own studies or work. For example, a friend once asked for help translating a label for spirulina purchased in the U.S. for their elderly parents. Another former colleague wanted to apply for study abroad and asked for help reviewing their application emails. These are manageable.
However, once, an aunt sent a 10-page, dense document on accounting, asking for it to be translated into English. It was extremely difficult because it involved many technical terms, and the difference between spoken and written language is significant. After struggling through two pages, I had to decline.
Other relatives have sent medical records or legal documents for translation, often adding that if I couldn't do it, could I find someone else locally to help? Everyone knows that different professions are like different worlds; even within the same language, terminology is highly specialized, let alone between different languages. Furthermore, if you accept a request, you must ensure the quality of the translation, which consumes a lot of study time. The key is that translation is a discipline, not just casual conversation, and a poor translation could cause serious problems for others.
They all assume that anyone studying or working abroad must have excellent English and can handle translation perfectly, which is a major misconception. Therefore, I hope friends in China can understand the situation of Chinese immigrants and recognize their difficulties.